A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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