I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
