I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
