You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
