a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize