Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
