I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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