I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
