I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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