i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
