I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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