Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
