theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
