Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
