What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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