I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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