He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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