So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
