He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
