Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
