My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
