I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
