what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
3pm strippers are depressing
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
