Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
