sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
