I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
