whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
