I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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