3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize