I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
