Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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