I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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