I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
