I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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