how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We talked him into tasing himself.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize