we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
