The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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