How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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