You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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