Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
