You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize