you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
