You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
