Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize