I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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