I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
