jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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