evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
