i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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