I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My dick has a subreddit
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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