Yo dont text me then not text me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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