Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
