Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
