So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
