a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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