I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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