life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
