You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Someone came in the potted fern
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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