I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
