I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize