I just saw a hot homeless man
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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