phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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