You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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