I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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